Making Peace with the cave man in my soul

Ah the much maligned cave man. You know, he is that primal self that makes simple, and often bad, decisions based on very simple criteria. He is most underlying of selves that just wants to eat, frack, fight and sleep.

I will not say that I have been at war with the caveman. It is closer to say that I have belittled him an though him less than the 'higher self'. Some Buddhist I am. I have failed to be the humblest of the proud by looking down at my most primal self rather than be informed by him.

I feel literararily like Lenard Nemoy who wrote I am not Spock only followed years later by I am Spock. The cave man I have strived so hard not to be has taught me some valuable lessons this weekend.

The cave man in my soul is not run by a 12 line program in visual basic. there is no
10 READ eatables
20 goto "Food"
30 eat
goto line 10

things are the far reverse. The feelings that make the cave man operate are are the most primal base things that advanced man contemplates and parses. He loves, he hates, he wants, he avoids. The cave man's lesson is as simple as his soul.

Some emotional states just are. We can mitigate, contemplate or try and change them but the net truth is that we will feel them no matter what our higher self ordains

My caveman has given me a precious gift I cannot change, contemplate or rationalize away. And there is such strength in this. With my higher self not fighting the shaggy primitive I have found a clarity of purpose that greatly outstrips clarity of facts.

The Maker of things can tell when I am firing on all cylinders like this. she just gets prepared for the latest divine madness. I myself have just come to realize what causes my spurts of near divinity.

My beautiful friend has taught me about the caveman in my soul The primitive analog in herself (cave girl?) not only lives in the sun of her attentions but has veto power over her higher self in some way I have yet to understand. There seems to be no limit to the things this wonderful woman can teach me.

I live the reverse. I am trying to learn to let my cave man speak. I may not agree, but I should take the time to listen

More on the cave man soon..

like the Dr. from Sixth Sense

You remember the scene. We all do. The kid is in the hospital finally ready to trust the shrink with his secrets. I am not referring to the famous "I see dead people" line. What seems so poinient today is the idea the dead only see what they want to see. Haley tells him that the ghosts stay in the land of the living because they can edit the facts that they allow themselves to see to fit the ones that they need to continue their existence. Chew on that.

Damn but that reminds me of an awful lot of the living as well. I do not cast stones by this because I have lived in that glass house. The topic could be politics, human relationships or the baking of muffins. We all will exclude the 25 facts we aren't looking for to see the one that we are. We could call it Dick Chaney disease: any truth we look for hard enough we will create.

I know what Dick was invested in, but what are the rest of us all so invested in that we ignore most of the world. How many arguments are are just us working hard to not see the other guys point?

Jim Morison talked about he infinity viewed through the doors of perception. a trippy and wonderful idea.

Why do we all work so hard to limit our perceptions so we can have life we don't really enjoy living?

Anger.. I had nearly forgotton it

I feel that this must be prefaced with the fact that I have gone decaffeinated for 6 days. It leaves me feeling short. maybe this will feel like a tempest in a teapot in the next few days but it is where I am now.

A funny combination of things have brought me to anger. I go years without feeling it and I did not recognize it at first. I have found myself in a cultural backwater of a place where I once was the great player. There has been an odd conspiracy of events that have removed me from focus.

Enough of that shit. I have started my campaign to be the meanest son of a bitch in the valley once again. It annoys me that this needs to be done at all. But on with it.

My beautiful friend is on a campaign of throwing distance at me. I was hoping to get another year before that happened. Alas no good deed goes unpunished. It is amazing how the beautiful and different see everyone else as boiler plates of humanity. What was the old joke? people think they are unique little snowflakes are just like everybody else. when we were angsty teens we all desperately looked for anything that did not look like the sameness and monotony of our over optomised suburban lives.
Now years and miles later we push away from anything that does not fit into our own well worked out mechanisms for life. I am aware that this is a sin I am guilty of as well. the irony is not lost on me. It is likely a large source of this anger.

I am aware of what I am. I love that I fascinate some people. I understand that I repel and scare some. I know too well that I am a fountain of intensity and that pushes some folks away, but my life is pretty damned good even on my angry day. even when my beautiful friend is building walls. God save us from people who are trying to fix, me, save me, or help me.

Not is a statement about my Beautiful Friend and about the well meaning co workers and near everyone but the Maker and the Heir. Yes I live my life in a way that wouldn't work for most people. It works very well for me. Come play or leave me the hell alone. I do not want a picket fence, a 401K or grandchildren surrounding me when I die.

Anger is like Fire: it is a good servant and a bad master. I am enjoying my anger, but I must not let it rule me. this is going to be an interesting next few days...

This is the new stuff

My life keeps cycling around to the last line in the matrix. "I'm not here to tell you how it ends. I'm going to tell you how it begins." If you think about that it is a strange cyclic point.

so many beginnings. at least I no longer feel like they will swallow me up. All the great ideas are starting to crystallize into solid things. The Maker of Things is looking at the actual going from the making of ideas to something you can hit with a hammer. designs and plans are done. feels like a milestone.

Incorporation. damn. I never thought I'd be incorporating again.

the last of the legacy problems are lifted. the last of the hurdles are gone. Again things begin. So many beginnings

I wouldn't have anything different!

now to the hard stuff

Alas there are no magic bullets. But most of the major stumbling blocks are gone as well. The road ahead is now open but still hard. it is the time for the hard work. The Maker and I made the first hurtle and we both relaxed a bit. this was a mistake but a reasonable one.
We lost a couple of weeks to reasonable things but it is nose tot he grindstone time. It is time to see if we are the ppl who we think we are or just another pair of useless dreamers.
The rubber has hit the road and so far I like the smell

The art of Disapointment

I have recently become acquainted with a completely new view on disappointment. We all face moments when we do not get the things we want or expect. It is disappointing. it sucks. life goes on.

My latest bit of involuntary knowledge is about people who choose to disappoint. My theory is that in some screwed up way in some peoples heads it becomes less pressure to go under the bar then over it. In some people, alas my only daughter being one, the disappoint rather than face the specter of failure. My Beautiful friend is as blown away bu the mind-state as I. the Heir, who had never heard me raise my voice, was stunned at my reaction. The Maker of Things, as always, analyzed it and comed the dross for facts.
I was exposed to one disappointment too many. Maybe I am to far down the path of the Poet Warrior to even understand. I can only act on the facts that I can understand.

I do know this: I hate being angry. I speculate this: She would rather face me angry then deal with her on internal fear of failure and anxiety of achievement. I conclude this: after more tan a decade of disappointment I am done.

a la kart life

It was one of those things that came from all around me at once. The Maker was talking about relationships and not settling for someone who is only 80% of what you want. There will always bee someone else along that covers a different 805. That is how the logic goes.
Several other friends of mine have had conversations on what is "settling" and what is being too picky and never finding. It must be something in the air.

So I thought about my cell phone plan. And my car insurance. And the menu at McDonald s. The year is mighty 2009. Why is it we expect to be able to pick and choose from the things we want in coffee machines and power steering option? And yet we spend vast amount of our time and energy looking for the perfect significant other to meet some preconceived notion. What made us decide that the person we want to most be with has to be a fairy tale fit or else we are 'settling for'? and (the big question) is what set the boundaries of that pre-conceived notion? too many Julia Roberts movies? what my mom told me love meant when I was 11 years old? Why do we pick these (sometimes) absurd frameworks of theoretical "right girl"? how do we pick them? what is the editor of our standards of happyness.

How much do we sabotage ourselves with these standards? There is a wild thought. our happiness standards are keeping us from being happy

Why can't we tailor the relationships in our lives to meet the needs and wants we have, rather than trying to wedge that special 87% perfect someone into a roll that works less well? the other 13% I'm glad to invest in my close friends or maybe even decide that it doesn't matter

I can't say that I know the answer to this one but I will soon.