The joy of silence

I had forgot the silence. It is funny to think of as something you can forget. I have had so many amazing experiences since the week before Halloween ( For some reason everything started that week) that I have lost the inner silence. The kind of zen joy of nothing.

It has been a GREAT season of personal relationships, achievement and really living up to my professed beliefs and ideals. It has also been an endless series of intellectually and emotionally challenging events. Even the timelessness that me and My Beautiful Friend experienced back in the jungle was intense.

I am taking this week and reliving my silence and just sitting in my thoughts. I am chewing through my goals. I have achieved much and am contemplating much more. This deserves some quiet time

I had a nice conversation with The Maker of Things a about he difference between knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes it is easy to know what to do and hard as hell to do it. The Maker is on an fearless journey of self exploration herself. She makes me believe in myself by her faith in me

While I wait here at the center of things. In the pause before My Beautiful Friend arrives to stay. She makes me transcendent to even my own strange life. Some I though t would be eternal are moving along. I will take my seven days or so and consider

and the silence is it's own kind of joy.

What to leave in What to leave behind

It has become a funny balance point. The idea of personal moral evolution has always been at the center of my philosophy. I am now looking at those who have been the steady friends that have stood by me as I progress onto what I do next.
Some who were once my closest confidants are becoming bit of a drag, some are coming with me into the future.
What a terrible thing it is to look at the choices of leaving behind these who have been my companions in the storms past. not fair weather friends, real hard core playa's. and to be moving past the world that I shared with them.

Everyone who stood by then who can play in the new world and the new game, I will do everything I can keep them in my life.

At least one, maybe several are being left behind. The joy of moving forward. damn

Audacity

vii

Audacity.
That seems to be what it has all come down to. I sought permission yesterday for my huge aims and dreams from the three who make it possible. I am not, in a general sense, someone who needs the help of others to accomplish extreme things.
My Pretty Friend was oddly encouraging and confused that I would have misgivings at all. She is the soul of inspiration after all. It is not a surprise that she responds to my question of my own right to the things I am attempting by being inspiring. She is my muse and I have faith that she will stand by me. Not the way everyone deserted me when things got hard last time I tried anything like this. I hate the reminiscent sound of it. My reflections on the period of time called the Big Game.
The Maker of Things also was surprised when I asked her permission. Now is absolutely the last point where things could be stopped without some collateral damage to the lives of those we inspire into acting in our endeavors. In a few short months the Make and I have become great friends who are wired into each other’s future. Her odd lack of empathy, a thing that is often disconcerting, was good to hear. She was committed to the building of things. Everything to her is just a matter of order of assembly.
The Heir Apparent simply asked for his marching orders. But with a title like that what else could he do?
And I miss Peg
The Big Game. I am currently starting businesses with the eventual goal of changing the wealth and poverty cycle in Africa. The Big Game I did to get a half a dozen pretty girls into bed. Either way it is about using a Cult of Personality (I wonder did Ted Turner have days like this?) to shape people’s ideas. To get the things I want really. The Big Game ended badly (although I did bed a few women). And I lost a lot. It is not the goals that make this different than the last time. It is the trust,
The people around me this time are here fully informed. They are here because they believe in my goals. Love is easy. Trust is hard as hell. This time when I screw up ( and everybody eventually does) I trust that there will be someone t her to hold it together and a hand to help me.
But enough of the introspective emo-shit. Today is the last day of things that hold me back and the first day of greatness or great failure. I am not one for recriminations or ego-moments but for this single inhalation of a moment I have made an exception
It should be fun

living on purpose

iv.
So much seems to be about priorities. About making them, about admitting to ourselves what they are. And about being able to be happy with what we have decided is important. It is a complicated dance.
I cannot decipher these points in order, as they are all hopelessly intertwined. I attempt to look at their interlocking selves. The easiest should be the making of priorities. We decide what we want and place it as the most important thing in our lives…. But think about that. Who can say one week to the next what they REALLY want? Instead we push forward our goals for things we think we should want. The things that TV, our parents or the collective sense of right says we should. I question whether any but a tiny few of us ever put our greatest efforts foreword on the things we want the most.
Many of us live the lives that are easiest for us, not the most fulfilling. It is easier to live with unfulfilled dreams that to face failing. I have listened to so many friends, acquaintances and lovers espouse desires to be the things they want the most, but somehow never work to achieve. Instead they perpetuate their comfortable day to day life. It is easier to charge up the Visa card then to really get out of debt. It is easier to date the girls who are around you than to search for your soul mate. I wonder how many of us set false idols for what is most important in our lives than just find it too much work.
As far as being happy…. Maybe that is the crux. How many of us even know how?
How Is it we let our own lives be a spectator sport? What forces lead us to duck under at what may be our moment of greatest self?
I have never been as prone to this as many others; at least I do not think so. After my time in the jungle and my intense new… Friends (what a pale word that is) I feel compelled to not lose a moment. When I watch Futurama I do it with the intention of enjoying the ½ hour. When I patent a process I do it so the world is better. When I eat for the joy of food, Drink for the great buzz. Everything I will try my best to do with intention. To live on purpose.
Since returning from the jungles I have done pretty well with this, although not perfect. Luckily my pretty friend seems suffused with the “CR time” feeling and her company puts me back in that perfect moment before the waiting room. The world has begun to hear me. With the contributions of the maker of things they will hear me much louder.